July 4, 2021
The above image perfectly exemplifies how I felt about myself during the late 1980s into the early 1990s. In previous discussions, I have at length spoken about the conditions that brought me to this point. My soul was trashed, and I had no idea of why, or even how I would get out of bed the following morning. All I knew was the grim determination to go on every day and, somehow bear the emotional, physical, and spiritual torture that was my life.
My mother’s involvement in my life was minimal and, I expected nothing less, having been told in no uncertain terms that, she did not want to be involved in any part of my life. It had been hard enough to see it and feel it daily, without the verbal confirmation of it. My relationship with my brother was filled with limitless feelings of distrust and countless acts of violence as he spent 16 years beating the fuck out of me. His problem was that he understood that he was a beta wolf, trying to kill his younger brother, who was doubtlessly the Alpha Male of the family, so that he could be the alpha male. To his ever lasting regret, the only thing he accomplished was, he toughened me up and, taught me how to win and put him on his back in submission. The only place for a beta wolf.
The relationship with my father was different, it was neither father son or father friend. It was more based on co-operation. And that was a damned slippery slope. In that house, dad was the only one who I could turn to for love and affection, which was very hit and miss; and too often, was more miss than hit. Despite the failings of our every day life, dad well understood who I was
It was a strange dynamic in that house, we were split in two halfs, my brother and mother on one side and, dad and I on the other. A clear example of this was, and it speaks to dad’s on again off again reliability, my grade eight graduation. My brother is two and a half years older than I am. When my brother graduated grade eight my mother could not do enough for him, and spent weeks previous to the occasion prepping for it, the clothes, transportation, what girl he had as a special guest and, dad dutifully played his part as an attentive father with an open wallet. When my turn came to graduate, literally twenty minutes before the ceremony started mom looks up from the T.V. and says and I quote ” shit your graduation starts in twenty minutes and we don’t have anything for you to wear”. Not to mention the fact that the mall was a ten minute drive away, the time spent choosing an outfit that I would wear, the fitting time and so on. Plus whatever time it took for them to get ready, not to mention the fact that dad was sat there on the couch getting shit faced drinking and toking. I was not going to the graduation ceremony.
During the preceding months I had talked about my upcoming grad , and had been looking forward to it because it was a milestone but, from the other members of the family, the topic always flatlined. The neglect here was emotional and it weighed heavily on me. In too many ways though, not attending my grad was equally a good thing. I really had not wanted to spend another second with my classmates, the bullying that I had endured that year was severe, and had included being knocked unconscious and having my coat and wallet stolen and left there in the hydro field at the tail end of November. So not attending the grad was a great way of showing my utter contempt for all of them.
The thing of it though is this, those sixty months of horror had an effect, and it was a double whammy. Sure the abuse at home started as soon as I was born and got home from the hospital, and yes, there was other instances of extreme bullying as a young child, all of it designed to have a twofold purpose. In our article “PTSD ” I talk about the extraordinary rawness and cruelty experienced between my ex wife and I, some if not all of the emotional and physical violence that I experienced was designed solely to teach me how to teach my ex wife. As I have said previously, we are here to teach and learn for the benefit of our sacred selves. The second part of that twofold purpose was a lesson designed solely for my sacred self, my light being. Those twenty one grams. That lesson being the complete dismantling of my ego. There is a huge difference between arrogance and ego. And I was both, I had such a surety of mind set and it was mind boggling.
It was never a case of I am better than you, it was more, my opinions are the right way period. Unfortunately for me, I am correct most of the time and, that has led to egotistical behaviours that I firmly believe led to my incarceration in this realm. There was a way that I had whereas it was a case of “people will see my way or not, if not, get the fuck out of the way and let me get it done “. That is not necessarily a bad way of doing things however, when it endangers others or yourself is when it leads to problems.
As I mentioned earlier, I have out of place memories that are doubtlessly memories of another dimension and life. (This gets a little looney and I feel looney every time I get in to it). To avoid sounding too looney I will only sketch in the briefest of detail. There was a series of unfortunate events that involved violence, betrayal, and too much initiative. There was a non- accepted explanation, a trial, a “briefing ” about what this realm would be like, an agonizing experience, then finally here. Knowing my character, whatever those acts of violence and betrayal were, they were unintentional but, were likely seen to be the only way to solve whatever the problem was because I had been in a position of authority.
In many ways even to this day, I am still very much like that, I am very bluntly spoken, when presented with a problem I prefer to present solutions and, I strongly believe in the saying “lead follow or get the fuck out of the way.” All characteristics that I have had since childhood, some characterize as alpha personality traits. Generally speaking these traits are not a bad thing, leadership and assertiveness are absolutely necessary in life. However, these behaviors must be tempered, just as steel must be tempered to give it strength.