January 17, 2022
This spiritual awakening, it never went the way that I thought it would. It has been full of waves and troughs and sometimes just weird shit happening. After my father’s relationship with Capon fell apart, he explored transcendental philosophies, which often involved him dragging my 11 year old self to some lodge north of Toronto and spending a day or more hanging out with folks of whom I thought were just weird. They were not, they just seemed that way to me because I was too young to understand that that’s where they were in their spiritual journeys. Going to these places frustrated me because I loved the alone time with dad, but once we arrived, he would engage with the other people leaving me to… what exactly? Needless to say I got bored and spent my time outside in the woods.
Neither one of us seemed to get much out of these trips, and often times I would lose dad anyway as he got high and I got sad watching him get high. At that age I of course had no idea that his addiction and its effects on me were part of my spiritual journey, and how his going in to a recovery program really was the beginning of it. As he went in to recovery, for the first time that I could remember, I was actually filled with hope, a hope that the nightmare might actually be ending. It did not, not just then, it would be a further 15 months down the road after their suicides where things would begin to improve.
You might wonder how carrying the baggage of both your parents suicide would lead to things improving but, believe me, losing the monstrous negative energy sources that they were was a bonus beyond measure. You see, it cleared the deck and allowed other things to begin to happen. The most important of that was/is the realization that I was deserving of love, and that I deserved better than the whore cow that I had married (see our article “The Tween”), and that my heart, my love was not toxic as I been raised to believe.
In our article (“Incremental Change”), we talk about living in survival mode, my parent’s passing was the beginning of the process that eventually allowed me to start to rewire my brain in preparation of the awakening of my sacred self. My father going to those lodges was in search of his own awakening, his problem was that he too was in survival mode while numbed to it with the use of drugs and alcohol. My father claimed that when he got high he saw colours, this I later determined that he meant auras. Yup we all have them and they broadcast our moods and thoughts, see our article (“Understanding Looniness”) for more on that. Whatever he thought he saw while under the influence was quite possibly real, however, it was a curiosity to him instead of something readily attainable to him and everyone of us if we open ourselves up to the idea of such being possible.
I admired my father’s intelligence, his brain was fun to play in and it was heart breaking after he got out of recovery to hear him say this, and I quote, “I don’t feel as smart as I used to be”. Well of course he was not, he had spent 20 plus years being an out of control addict, of course he was burned out, in fact he was lucky that he did not have wet brain. Yes it is true that the Esennes, and in particular Jesus’s brother, used narcotics, and they are the reason why Jesus survived the ordeal on the cross and, lost consciousness as quickly as he did. So too did the priesthood in Mesoamerica. The thing there was that these highly skilled men and women, in the case of the Magdalene, knew that these substances were dangerous and were to be used with extreme caution. The above were the baby steps that I needed to take to open myself up to healing spiritually. In previous articles I have spoken about my own drug and alcohol use, in using I was shielding myself from all the pain, just as my parent’s were. There is nothing wrong with seeking some respite, but in losing ourselves to substance abuse, we close ourselves off to why the things that are happening to us take place.
Experiencing those horrible feelly feels and the drama that too often accompanies them, allows us to move forward with the real reasons why we are here, which is to allow our sacred self to learn whatever lesson or multiple lessons we are tasked to learn. While we wade neck deep through the shit, we of course ask ourselves, why me? And we are angry at the universe, or god, or even the purple polka dot monster which is a pointless waste of energy because, the shit we go through, we signed up for while part of the Kundalini. So what provides you with more comfort, do you (A) believe in nothing (B) pray to an invisible god to magically make the problem go away, or (C) experience the problem knowing that there is a very good reason why you are neck deep in it but you know that when you have learned the lesson your sacred self is far better off?
The medical community around substance abuse says that addiction is a disease, and that is a fact, an addicts brain actually experiences physiological changes, there is a five centimeter shift or about two and a half inches in the ventral tegmental and ventral striatum areas as well as the obvious killing off of brain cells. This shift is permanent brain damage as it leaves the addict with a life long vulnerability to continue their substance abuse, even if or when they get clean and sober. As I have stated elsewhere, I have memories of my time before this realm, while being briefed about this realm, I was warned that on Earth there were powerful addictive substances here that should be avoided at all cost. On the most part I have been able to follow that advise, except I got caught by nicotine, damn cigarettes.
We have talked about how every circumstance or person in our lives has a purpose, the disease of addiction seemingly certainly does not serve the addict. However, the addicts friends and family are likely needing to learn lessons provided by the drama that inevitably takes place while the person is in active addiction. We are in this realm to both teach and learn, it is entirely possible that the addict chose while in the Kundalini to take a role of great personal sacrifice to teach and learn some very hard lessons. Yes, you are right, there seems to be a contradiction there, but remember, we are immortal and have lived many different lifetimes and our only goal is ascension. For the addict, the lesson may be as simple as wanting to know what addiction was, or it could be far deeper, the only real way of knowing is to access the Akashic record.