April 21, 2022
Normally my essays do not need to be read in any particular order, however my last few beginning with “Political Jesus” should be to gain the most from them. When I was a young child I had been thoroughly indoctrinated into my my parent’s beliefs, mostly my mother’s. She was a Presbyterian and held her belief in the holy trinity close to her heart. Her actions proved her to be a complete hypocrite but that is too often the case with most people. In my mid teens I began attending a Presbyterian church myself, I was desperately trying to find something to hold on to as the situation at home became ever more desperate. In that place I found some true believers, two or three who came to understand their version of Christianity, and a whole bunch who did not have clue one as to what being a christian meant.
It was those clueless individuals who made me, that 15 year old boy feel the most unwelcome there. Though there was nothing overtly said about me, there was more than enough innuendo and dirty looks to make me quit the place. Needless to say that experience left a pretty rotten taste in my mouth that was only worsened by my parent’s behaviours. From then I pretty much dropped my quest for some type of spiritual holding point, and for the next 12 years lived in the land of the dead. I ended up marrying Toronto’s biggest whore, you know the one, she’s got a turnstile and you take a number then you can take caving expeditions in her.
The end of the marriage and the loss of the nanny were pivotal moments for me, I was in Alaska and I hallucinated the nanny on the side of the road, my rational mind knew that she was in Toronto newly married to the piece of dead wood that he always would be, but my emotional side, was screaming in agony at her loss. As horrible as that experience was, it provided the impetus for me to do something about the things that had contributed to her loss. The next five years was a really difficult time, and I came out of it mixed up with the narcissistic
leprechaun that I spent the next twenty years with; of which I regret almost as much as I regret marrying Toronto’s whore.
Some people describe their emotions as being numb, that they feel nothing. For myself it was worse. I was dead inside. I literally had to intellectualize my emotional responses. I had to think about then act out what should be the appropriate response. I was never accused of being phoney, but many thought that I was hollow. This sad state of affairs had been brought about by my mother forcing me to turn myself off so that she did not have to acknowledge my existence. By the time I got with the leprechaun I was in chaos, and had been for as long as I could remember. One of the first things I had to do was learn how to feel again, and that task was made almost impossible because, how do you learn to feel and trust those feelings when you have a narcissist gas-lighting you?
In many ways this job, trucking, made that easier. Being away from home for long stretches of time enabled me to counter her gas-lighting with logic. Unfortunately it too, allowed too much time to pass between incidents which allowed a calming effect. Nevertheless when home there was always the last incident’s elephant in the room which she would never acknowledge or apologize for, as is the narcissists way of maintaining power and control. Sometimes there are things that you do not know that you do not know, in this case it was the term narcissism, I had always thought that the word was just something that got thrown around like how you might call someone an idiot, or stupid. I had no idea that it was a real word, and that it is a real mental condition for many people. In all honesty, I had thought that her narcissism was just how she fought, and it was mean.
When I first got with her, some had warned me about her, no one had said she was a narcissist and run, but some had said she’s “funny”, and not in a good way. I had taken that in and accepted it as people talk, because they do talk about other people. Mostly though I got with her because I was coming at the relationship from a position of weakness, I had spent the previous 31 years in chaos, and I had been terribly wounded by both my marriage, and my hopes for the future had been shattered by the loss of the nanny. For the previous five years I had been stuck in this pus filled hole where my heart just would not heal and I was obsessed with the loss of the nanny, getting with the leprechaun I had thought that I was being relatively smart. She was as opposite to the nanny as is humanly possible, everything about her was different and opposite, from the physical, mental, even spiritual.
The spiritual, when I first met her she was attending this new wave evangelical type church and had just been through her christening, and was as excited about her spirituality as anyone can be. Initially I was pleased for her, spirituality is important I knew. It bugged me that she urged me to accompany her to these church things, and when I would not go, she did not either, for reasons that I did not understand, this behaviour set off soft alarm bells in me. It was a behaviour that she would exhibit for the next twenty years that drove numerous wedges between us. The truth of it was though, that I had no interest in anything that approached a christian ideal towards spiritualism, my awakening would have to wait just a little longer.
The thing with being with her was this, the environments from which I had come from had been full of violence, lies, and anything that could be used against you would be. With her initially, there was none of that, she initially from day one attempted the power and control thing which I brushed aside, and I warned her in no uncertain terms not to try that shit with me, then forgot about it expecting my position to be respected.
Needless to say, confronting a narcissist does nothing but trigger them, and so was the case here. From that point forward, instead of her taking normal sized bites out of me, she pursued a policy of taking micro bites and razor blade nicks. Stuff that as an independent activity you brush aside as an annoyance, but over time does an enormous amount of damage.
Trust became a fundamental issue between us, this should have been where I kicked her to the curb but, this was where I had lived for 30 years, so in too many ways being distrustful of a woman was completely normal for me. At this point I was still way too out of touch with my emotional self to make that realization. It would be quite some time yet before I did. During those first five years I continued to do the work that I had promised the hallucinatory nanny that I would do, find a way to change the things that had made me lose her. I continued to hit at least one AA meeting a week when I was home. Going to those meetings though was proving a little problematic, it was not that I found the subject triggering because it was not. It was the reality that I was and had never been an addict, instead I had been trained since birth to think and act like an addict.
And it was this that was getting in my way as I tried to deal with the leprechaun, was my alcoholic thinking making me too sensitive to things that a “normal” person would just brush off? That question as well as the gas-lighting left me in a real quandary. Here I was discovering a type of hell that I had not thought existed, all the time that I had spent with the whore, cow, snake had not prepared me for what was now taking place in my life. Then one night I was sat working on my other blog, Woody Hollow Distributors, which I reference in my first article “Getting Organized It’s Been Awhile” and I was working on an article about the Mothman; and the truth of him out of the blue suddenly clicked. As scary serious as he is, he is no more or less, than a pan dimensional influencer as well as a gatekeeper
Now you would be right about now to ask, what in fucks name does a narcissist and a pan dimensional gatekeeper have to do with each other? In answer, on the surface nothing, but let us dig just a little deeper. During the next year or more the theory of how we are here to learn and teach each other slowly developed. I had left the whore, I had nothing more to teach her, and I was happy to finally be rid of her. I then banged around for the next five years a bit lost, kinda feeling like I was sat on a shelf. Then one night I am sat in Mike’s coffee shop in London, and my saviour does a strip tease down to his neon pink boxers comes in and I find AA, which is where I met the leprechaun. Alright so nothing truly weird happening so far, except for the person I had been talking to before the strip show.
I had been getting up to leave because I was on my way to work, this guy comes in and very directly walks up to me and announces that he was an ex British Commando with the Marines, SBS (Special Boat Section) to be exact. I knew a little about the world’s special forces units (thanks Sly Stallone and Rambo) and knew that these SBS dudes were a tough bunch of hombres. Nevertheless I was not interested in whatever delusion the guy had and I told him to fuck off, The guy looked at me like I had really wounded him and then tottered off, I sat back down to let the guy clear the area, and as I was waiting that is when the strip show dude came in. Sure weird things happen, but two in a row? I figure that commando dude showed up to delay me long enough to meet stripper dude, which eventually allowed me to meet the narcissist. And yes the Mothman influenced SBS dude or caused him to be there.
So the quandary I was in did not matter at all. I had left the whore, lost contact with almost anyone who had known the whore and I, and had had some time to recover and gather strength for whatever layed ahead. At that time I had no real idea of what ego was, other than it was about self, and I definitely had no idea of how my ego needed reorganizing. In fact if you had asked me at the time, I would have told you that I had no self esteem at all and therefore ego was not a problem. Enter the narcissist because as usual I was off course.
I had spent the previous 30 years of my life being rejected by people as a whole, severely disrespected by a number who are supposed to supply you with love and support, all of that designed to crack my ego open, but it did not. Sure I was saddened and wounded, but I always remained the same. So here the universe said, “Christopher, you’re not learning, now I’m gonna fuck you up!”, and placed me in front of the narcissist and her wrecking ball, and the complete dismantling of my ego began. Her methods were systematic and insidious, involving everything from how I peeled an apple to my sexuality. I had thought that I was in bad shape back in 1993, that was kindergarten compared to 2017. That said, the universe had achieved it’s purpose, I had become ego-less, and was now ready to be put back together properly.