August 1993

October 15, 2022

I am sat in a rest area 10 miles or so out of Fairbanks

I have the hood open, I am stood on the engine with my spray bottle of glass cleaner and am hurriedly squigying my windshield while trying not to get eaten alive by the Jurassic sized insects. I was Canada bound, and I was in a really bad place mentally and emotionally. More than 10 days before the Nanny had gotten married, and only a few days previously had it sank in, it had started with a nasty hallucination, a too quick stop on a hill, very heated brakes, and while stopped, had experienced a breakdown. I mean I had completely gone to pieces, at that point I had not cried since I was 8 years old, in those hours I had lost all semblance of control and had blubbered like a baby.

In all honesty I knew that I did not have the right to feel what I did, during the previous two years she had made the way that she felt about me perfectly clear, however the heart wants what it wants, and I wanted her. It would be 26 years until I found out why things had gone so horribly wrong for us. At some point during that breakdown, I determined that part of what went wrong was my fault. What I did not understand was, exactly what part. Here enter the damage done to me by my mother, even though that at this point she had been dead for almost 10 years, I had not even begun to heal, the process being paused further by the toxicity of my relationship with the whore that I had been married to. Yes the one with the turnstile and caving expeditions. It had been easier and quite frankly, necessary to remain in survival mode. At the end of my marriage I had been miserable, not about my marriage ending, that I could not give a rat’s ass about, I mean the whore had orchestrated the rape of a 14 year old girl by an adult male, I despised the cunt for it. To this day I would love to find a way for them both to be prosecuted for it.

In that misery though, I had sought to find out why, there had to be more to it. In some desperation I had picked up several self help books, some of which offered some hope, those that I had found most useful, unsurprisingly, the whore actually tossed into the garbage, showing complete and utter disrespect for what my needs were. This of course was essentially the exact same treatment that I had received from my mother. Other books should not have ever been written, and their authors are complete fucking idiots.

So this is when the Nanny becomes the Nanny. As I have said before, I knew her in high school and had loved her then in my own way, but since I then had no idea of what love was, or what it felt like, we did not have a chance. However, now 7 years later, recognizing that the feelings that I had enjoyed with her before had returned, only much more intensely, I realized that I had fallen head over heels in love with her. And why should I not have? She was everything that I wanted in a woman, tall, kind, sweet, thoughtful, smart, and beautiful, and a tigress in bed, you would have to be a complete fool to not fall in love with her. In all honesty, she was everything that the whore I had married could and never would be, and was incapable of aspiring to be. This then is a chaotic period where energy is in transition.

For the previous 26 years I had been surrounded with chaotic negative energy, between the violent physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse I had suffered at home, the brutal bullying I had suffered at the hands of my peers at school, then finally, the harsh negativity of the whore, I was in terrible shape when the Nanny became the Nanny. Again though, energy was in transition. Since I had no idea of what else to call it, I called this energy, psychic energy. I had learned by accident that this energy was available from two sources. 1. I could plug into trees at will, and 2. I could plug into a car or  truck engine and receive almost unlimited energy refills. The problem with mechanical energy, was that as soon as the engine shut off, or I left the immediate vicinity of a running engine, that sense of energy transfer ended very abruptly. Whereas the connection with trees or grass, or any living plant, the connection was maintained changing in intensity only in relation to its size and availability.

Learning this valuable lesson answered one question, I now thought that I better understood what indigenous peoples meant when they talked about their connection to the Earth, and its healing principles.

 I mentioned this “ability” to a friend, at that time he thought it was nonsense, only now, more than 30 years later, has he began and only begun to see the truth of it in his spiritual journey. This ability I believe the universe handed to me as a gift, as the situation with the whore, and her legion of cock, and my affairs with the Nanny came to an explosive head.

As I have said, at this point my energy was low, and on some unconscious level I realized that to that point, I had been schooled. I also knew that in whatever short time was left in that nightmare relationship, was my time to teach, and those lessons were brutal for her- the whore. I am the only person in this realm that she is truly afraid of, not physically, that honour goes to a faggot goofball that I call the freak, one of the many cocks she was fucking at the end of our marriage. This dumb fuck is a real treat, is into smuggling guns, beats women regularly, and restrains them illegally whilst having them gang raped repeatedly. He ended  up beating the fuck out of the whore in a vain attempt at getting to me, unfortunately for him, I had stopped caring about anything that happened to her a long time before.  Violence against women, that is not what I do here, but emotionally and spiritually she is terrified of me, the lessons I teach are harsh. So too does the Nanny, under that warmth and sweetness there is strength and power that is mind blowing. A lot of dark energy has attempted to dominate that, all of which have suffered ignominious defeat by her light. For many years after 1993 I thought that I too was one of those defeated by her, it was not until the revelations of 2017/18 that I began to understand that our light together has always been and always will be allied together.

In many ways the idea that the Nanny and I were apart for 26 years is crushing. It too is hard on both of us that each (well maybe I have a daughter) of us have a child by others. We too spend quite a bit of time talking thru the regret and sadness of that missing time. But in the grand scheme of things, considering that the universe is 13.7 billion years old, and is likely to be around for10,000 trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion years more, 26 years is less than an eye blink in time. What too is important to remember is, our family lines are not linear. Parents and children in this realm may not be great and grand parents, our children, we may never see or know of them in the future. They may yet be traceable through the Akashic Record, my research is ongoing.

Our singular goal is ascension, that journey is singular. For now and who knows for how long, while in the Kundalini we pick and choose what lessons need to be taught/learned by our sacred selves. By so doing, we will find by necessity that certain things must happen to us, many of those things will be unpleasant. Souls that come from the darkest of realms will struggle the hardest with ascension, they will attempt to steal light and progress from some of us. There will be some of us who by self possession will place themselves in front of these dark souls. I believe that both the Nanny and myself have done this, and not just once.

I love and respect the Nanny, she is everything that is good and pure in my world, she is my light in the dark. However as an Empath, I spy on her as I do all of you. Everyone unconsciously broadcasts their emotions, as do I, these as an Empath I pick up. I am a human antennae, as well as a truthsayer because of this. At times she exudes such incredible anger, fury, and righteous indignation that its almost impossible to get a grip on, its quite overwhelming. For what she has experienced, these emotions are quite understandable, however, too, there is the sense of time. Time on a scale that is hard to fathom on a human level. Some of the stuff she’s pissed at is old, very fucking old, if I had to guess, its probably hundreds of millions if not billions of years old.

She is my girl, and always will be. I will die to protect her. If you somehow manage to get thru me, and you find yourself facing her, pray to whatever god you believe in because he will be the only one who might have a slim chance of saving you from her.