October 29, 2022
I was startled awake by some dumb fuck pounding on my truck’s door, sleepily I clambered out of the bunk and found the driver of the truck beside me telling me that the shipper wanted me. Right, the shipper, where was I? I had got there about at around 6 in the morning, according to the clock on my radio it was now close to 11, so I had slept for almost 4 hours, I had needed it. Still half asleep I went inside and signed for the load, got the mountain of paperwork that went with it and tried to wake up enough to plan my trip. The BOL (Bill of Lading) said I was heavy so I was going to have to scale the load before I went anywhere, I did not want to drive out to Mississauga to scale, then have to drive across the city again, so the closest scale to Cherry St was where I had worked as a kid, Hwy 48/Finch. I scaled out at over 102,000 LBS, the hills through New Brunswick were going to be fun, the Trans Canada Highway at that point was still just a two lane highway.
Sitting in the Scale’s driveway waiting to make the left turn to go south on 48 back to the 401, I realized that I was starving and more importantly, I had not yet had my morning coffee. Handily enough there was the Golden Griddle just a few blocks south of me, and with it being a Saturday, I could park out front of it without issue. Upon arrival there, I found one of our fleet’s drivers there just beginning to tuck into his food, I had seen him around but did not know him; so just to be nice I joined him at his table without asking. He had watched my truck pull up behind his so he kind of knew who I was, we sat there and had a pleasant enough meal and talked shop.
It was one of those bitterly cold days, overcast, with a kind of snowy scree, no accumulation but it makes a mess of the roads. I had been feeling kind of out of sorts since I been startled awake, I had assumed that it was because of that and the weather, it did not occur to me how out of sorts I was until the waitress had shown up to take my order. I had been going to the Griddle for years, and I knew this particular waitress well, she was extremely cute and had a great ass, of which I sometimes wondered if she showed off on purpose. We normally engaged in some friendly banter, not flirty, just friendly and news flash catch up type conversation. That Saturday there was none of that, it was very much just take my order and go away. Normally as she would walk away I would look at her ass and wonder what it would look like naked and her on all four and just think, wow! That day though, I could not even acknowledge that she had a great ass.
As I carried on eastbound, arriving a day and a half later in North Sydney, Nova Scotia to catch the ferry to Port Au Basque, Newfoundland, it was the same. Women were just there, they were neither attractive or unattractive. I normally enjoyed engaging in conversation with people while on the ferry, it was interesting finding out where they were going to or coming from, getting snap shots of what people’s lives looked like. I had always preferred the sound of a woman’s voice over that of a guys, now all of a sudden, it seemed that a male voice was normal and a woman’s was just off, like a musical instrument that was out of tune.
Finally arriving in St Johns, I did my drop and hook and nearly shit myself when I looked at my load info, fuck me I thought. Prudhoe Bay, Alaska, 6, 516 miles or 10, 486 kilometers. I had been to Prudhoe before, but from Halifax, nearly the same mileage but the ferry trip made the difference. Carrying on westbound, there was no change, stopping in a few places where I was friends with some locals, It was really odd, girls were just out of sync, they neither looked or sounded as they had. This was not something that immediately jumped out at me, I knew that I was heart broke and that I was not sure as to how to move forward. And I knew that it had been almost 5 months since I had had sex with anyone. That is really the first sign that there was something very wrong going on with me, I just had absolutely no interest in letting a woman that close to me. Shortly after the Nanny had gotten married, I had kicked a type of fuck buddy to the curb, citing the fact that she had been too embittered by her previous marriage to ever have a healthy relationship as my reason for getting out of that. As true as that actually was, at the same time I was beginning my disassociation from women.
As time progressed from then, the situation only worsened, until it was an actual relief to walk into a room where there were no women present. You might think that I actually hated women, that was not the case at all, what they had become were simple non beings. I did not disparage them, nor did I acknowledge them in any way whatsoever. If I was somewhere and there was a girl and a tree, she became as inanimate as the tree, they were simply part of the background noise. The exceptionally sad part of this was that, I was so out of touch with myself emotionally that I could not have told you what the problem was. The simple fact of the matter was, I was in an extreme mode of self protection.
As the situation began to push into it’s 5th year, I began to notice tiny incremental changes, the most notable was, I found that I was beginning to miss the sound of a female’s voice. That I was extremely judgmental about, she had better sound like Wagner, Brahms, or Vivaldi, anything less or more had me retreating and running for cover. Her vocal harmonics had to be just so. Little did I realize that I was actually using her vocal frequencies to raise my own vibrational frequency to heal. The first instance of my putting any type of trust in this was, I had been sick while in Dorchester, Ontario, and a waitress shape had given me a bowl of Beef Barley Soup.
Her eyes too had been kind, ever since leaving the whore, yes the one with the turnstile and caving expeditions, I will not deal with a woman who has no kindness in her eyes. The whore’s eyes had been dead,
with what can only be described as animal ferocity, while having the second meanest soul I have ever known.
The thing about all of this is, its about ascension, where our soul – sacred self attains absolute balance, serenity, Christ like perfection if you will. The attainment of such can only be found through great effort, an impossible quest, your Grail quest. The lessons that I had been taught to date had been designed solely to teach the whore, and to light the dark from which she comes from. This though is a chosen goal, a measure we take to make things safer for those who follow and have dealings with dark energy.
Throughout our lives though, there is a continuous lesson, one with which we struggle with until late in the game, for myself that is/was about ego. All of the bullshit from my mother, the whore, the Nanny too, had been about ego. The whore was not a systematic part of the lesson, she merely had the requisite character traits, hers was an opportune part. The Nanny’s part in all of this, was similar if not mirror perfect to what took place in the beyond, actions took place that should not have, mistakes were made, and people got hurt, therefore bringing us to the situation where powerful adjustments need to be made.
Literally just hours ago, the Nanny and I were having a conversation that was about why are people always suffering with emotional, mental and physical loss. She asked me why it seemed so unfair since we were paying a debt from a previous realm and yet had no recollection of those mistakes. She asked why it was necessary to “learn from a past that was impossible to remember”. This was not the first time that she had asked this and I once again reminded her that we were suppose to learn lessons no matter how harsh the lessons were. Of course, she wasn’t entirely satisfied with my response and I get it. It’s a lousy truth. One of many lousy truths.
My hardest lesson was taught through the 20 years I had spent with the leprechaun. Every passing second seemed to last longer and longer as time went on. I told the Nanny that the leprechaun was put into my life to completely destroy my ego. Ripping it apart with every harsh word. With every nasty act and with total lack of empathy for my feelings. The leprechaun never wanted to know anything about me in great depth beyond what I could do for her. This making it a one sided relationship in every sense.
I know that I will continue to learn lessons. Not to expect that would be foolish on my part. But I do know that the lessons I was being taught through the leprechaun were at an end when the Nanny was back in my life. We were both very much at a new beginning in every aspect. If not for the signs of age and wisdom for both of us, it would appear as though we were just fresh out of school. We had the rest of our lives ahead. Thankfully together. Finally.
The shapes have returned to looking and sounding like the opposite sex. I enjoy hearing voices of a higher pitch, the curves of a woman and appreciate the other half of the planet’s population. I now have the pleasure of learning new lessons with the Nanny. No, not all have been easy and we both expect obstacles as life moves forward. It’s not perfect, but we are happy.
Serving the Grail 