November 23, 2022
Well here I am, sat in Wyoming, On, at a little mickey mouse Flying J truck stop. The only thing here that FJ actually runs is the fuel pumps, the store and restaurant are independently owned. I was always surprised that a proper truck stop was never built here, it’s only about 20 minutes from Sarnia and the Blue Water Bridge into Michigan. The parking lot here is nearly empty, I figure its because of the deepening recession and, the American holiday – Thanksgiving. That is the holiday where everyone absolutely gorges themselves with turkey. I am not particularly fond of the bird, I find it dry with no where near enough dark meat. The one thing I do enjoy about a holiday meal is, the food prep, the smells as it cooks, and most of all, the presentation – tables and counters over laden with steaming plates and bowls of delicious food.
At least that is how I think a holiday meal should look, and everyone in attendance should eat their fill and keep eating until they hit coma fill, and need 2 weeks to recover from it. My family may have been fucked up beyond all recognition but we knew how to eat and put a spread on. If we went to see my Grandfather, we would be served this giant roast, then after we had eaten all we could, about an hour or so later, we would have these gigantic sandwiches that defied the laws of physics; because it’s impossible to get that much food between slices of homemade bread cut thick slathered in butter! If I thought my Pappy put on a spread, I nearly died when I first attended a family due with the Nanny’s people, It did not matter where you turned, there was food everywhere! I mean we walked in the front door and there were tables set in the entry hall with all manner of sweet treats, desserts, I think I hit coma fill within the first 20 minutes I was there. It was an interesting occasion, meeting these people that I should have met for the first time more than 30 years previously. No one knew who I was, they had never heard of me. That was not unexpected, but still it kinda stung. This though is a telling example of the fear that the Nanny lived within that environment as a young girl.
She was undeniably surrounded by love and good intention, but was suffocating from dangers that lurked from within that protective bubble.
But that is her story to tell if she so desires, for now she is resting in the Grail’s serenity as it continues to raise her vibrational energies. I need to keep reminding myself in her regard that when my journey first began in earnest more than 20 years ago, I first found fibres that led to threads, which became string, then ropes to steel cables which became unbreakable Hot Dip Galvanized steel chain. This process took time, and the time involved will vary from individual to individual. As she came home to me 5 years ago now, her energy was severely depleted, as was mine. However what made the difference between us was that in regards to the events of 1992/93, we took very different paths. At that time I went into a severe type of self protection mode that lasted for about 5 years. The Nanny though, her actions took her from being in the frying pan to being directly in the fire. For her, there was no respite, she took on the next challenge and it almost killed her.
There she suffered, enduring decades of bullshit that no one need suffer, all to the purpose of delivering several lessons to an ego that has little or no sense of itself, and to another individual, forcing an expansion of it’s horizons that through fear response would remain closed by their own volition. This last being an effort that required great love, patience, and understanding of her target. This taking place during the first two almost three years of her coming home to me. It was an effort that I saw little point in, even though much of it surrounded myself. Here though we see my ego at work, and it’s brutal ability to make decisions that had by the same style, landed me here in this realm to ultimately learn to temper it. My lessons continue. Hopefully from this point forward, there will not be the necessity of throwing heartbreak and monsters like the Leprechaun, at me to continually remind me of my lessons. Ego is insidious, and Christ in discussion with his wife, the Magdalene, in answer to her query, tells her to be continually wary of its ability to undermine all that we do, he in fact calls it, “a thief in the night”.
It’s almost a resounding lie in itself. Ego. While you have and experience it you feel on top of the world, almost untouchable. It’s a power that you never want to loose. I’ve heard that same description of a substance that is illegal and as incredibly addictive as ego and that is cocaine. If you don’t understand the comparison, a good example of it would be the movie “Scarface” starring Al Pachino.
In it his character starts with an enormous ego arriving in the U.S. after surviving imprisonment in Cuba. He then gets involved in dealing and abusing cocaine. Without giving anything away should you not have seen it, it all ends very badly. The ego is still in overdrive right up until the final credits.
Okay, so maybe that example seems way over the top. But it shows the serious dangers of ego. Another example that is very easy to see is in past and current world leaders. I won’t name any, but I’m sure you can think of a few. It’s addictive, intoxicating and powerful. You only want and need more without realizing the sudden crash that you are going to experience. A crash that is so devastating that you feel like you will never recover and pick yourself back up. It almost took me out on a very cold and windy day where I was going to take my final swim. Thankfully, I came to the realization that I deserved better than letting ego win as it had with my parents. My own recovery from a destroyed ego was long and no walk in the park. Even now I need to take a breath once in awhile and remind myself the dangers of my past ego and tell myself to reign it in. It’s not so much myself, its more the Universe kicking me in the teeth and reminding me to do it or else!
The Ego is indeed insidious, as a young boy who should have met the Nanny’s people, there would have been problems back then if I had, and not just regular people problems. Two Alpha males and one Alpha female trying to protect her, and another Alpha – me vying for the Nanny, it would not have been a good thing, far more than physical injury would have been the result. One of those Alphas certainly deserves a comeuppance, and I would be more than happy to serve it to him, however that was not my place to because it would have interfered with a fundamental part of the lesson that the Nanny was to learn. It would take her more than 35 years to finally learn that particular lesson, not to be out done, it took me nearly 48 years to only begin to understand that my lessons were about ego.
The process seemed to start while I was in my mid thirties, and it was agonizingly slow. I was picking up a load of Hemp from a farm near Wallaceburg, Ontario and it was going to a place in Oregon. The load cleared US Customs without difficulty but the journey out there was filled with every imaginable delay that you can imagine, traffic, mechanical, weather. While at the customer, and backing into their dock, a fork truck driver knocked over two 15 foot high stacks of skids that fell over onto the side of my trailer that was 13.6 foot high itself, causing a two hour delay while they cleaned up the mess. Now there really is not anything strange in this, it was really just another day at the office. From then though is when my attitude began to shift from an I or me centred thought process to a more accepting patient way.
It was in learning to work with this more accepting way instead of pushing my agenda that things began to go in an easier way. The Universe took pains to hammer this into me because every time that I began to assert the I back into things, something would fuck up usually disastrously. But when I removed the I from the equation, things ran very smoothly. This was only in my professional environment though, things on the home front were very different indeed. It was here that the Universe decided that I should pay the heaviest price, it saw that I was beginning to bend and saw the opening that it needed to shatter my ego. This it did thru a series of injuries, one being a back injury that left me in agony for almost 10 years until I found an unconventional cure in the form of some stuff called DMSO, the second being a diagnosis of PTSD which fucked up my life unimaginably, and thirdly, the removal of any type of control or filter from the alcoholic narcissist that I was sharing my life with – the leprechaun.