January 7, 2023
An Empath is not born as one, most of us are created, usually because of some type of personal trauma. This of course comes in many forms, physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and everything between. I was created when I was 15 years old, this through years of abuse, both at home and in the school yard. What this meant was that I had no place of safety, the school yard was guaranteed terror, home should have been safe, it was nowhere near.
At this point, our parent’s favoured ambush over any and all means of other contact, there are three times a day that a child is most vulnerable, the ten minutes after he/she wakes, the ten minutes before the family’s main meal – regardless of what time it is eaten, and the ten minutes before bed. These times since we were very young children had been optimized as their favoured attack times, and as we grew, at any and all times of the day, we were considered fair game. As the years passed, I grew increasingly sick of being ambushed when I woke up, bellied up to the table for food, or tried to relax before bed; or when I walked in the door from getting home from school or work, before or after curfew; or whether trying to cooperate with them or not.
The bottom line was, that I was sick unto death of their shit and was absolutely helpless to do anything about it. Yeah sure I was 15 years old, sure I could have run away from home, but that was not going to happen, I was smarter than than that. I had friends that year who did run away, and that did not work out very well, two of them are fucked till this day because of it. No, instead I had a job and a plan, and I intended to work it; and it was while working that plan that an event took place that opened the flood gates on something that I would not understand until decades later.
So there I was working my plan, I was working as a dishwasher, that particular Friday night I was working close, and it was late when I got home, it was after 3 AM. I had informed my mother that I was working that shift when I had left for school that morning. She had okayed it and had said she would tell dad that I would be home late. When I had gotten home I was surprised to find the house dark and quiet, usually at that hour there would be music and loud voices coming from the basement as dad toked up with his idiot stoner friends. Anyway, I get home and I was tired, but I also needed time to unwind, so I decided that instead of heading for my bedroom where my music might wake them, and start the fur flying, I headed for the basement and surprisingly promptly fell asleep.
I was not asleep long when I was violently awoken by strong hands grabbing me, and literally picking up my 185 lbs off the couch, and throwing me across the room to crash violently into the opposite wall, 4 feet off the ground leaving a Chris sized dent in the wall. My attacker was of course my father, his reasoning being that he was trying to instill control over me, apparently the fact that I had worked until two in the morning then had to walk for an hour to get home from work, meant that I was out of control, and was being deeply disrespectful to him. Needless to say, this jarring incident changed the dynamic between dad and I for the worse, and our relationship never recovered from it. Ambush me while I was asleep, fuck you dad you asshole!
Up until this point and this incident in particular, had made me wish that there was a way to know ahead of time what the circumstance was going to be when I walked into a room where I might encounter mom or dad.
A type of early warning radar. That wish was granted, because from that date, I was much more strongly attuned to the emotional realities around me. This incident then was the primary one that resulted in creating me, the Empath. The problem with this new ability was/is that it did not come with an instruction manual, in many cases as a teenager and even as an adult, I would simply become overwhelmed by the barrage of emotion that I pick up from the people around me. On many occasions I literally had to run or at least, walk very quickly out of a store, mall, birthday party, or anywhere that there are large groups of people because it becomes impossible to separate myself from all of the rest of you. Outdoor settings were/are somewhat easier to manage, but even still after 2 or 3 hours, I become saturated and need to find a quiet spot where I can be alone or with as few people as possible.
As limiting or scary as this ability may appear, it has also enabled a few remarkable relationships, the most notable being the one with the Toronto cop who killed Lester Donaldson back in 1988. And even though when it happens, it seems like TMI, it is always a blast when a complete stranger walks up to me and I get a detailed life story up to and including details about his/her intimate lives. These encounters on the most part I enjoy because they tend to be fair exchanges of energy. Some people though are energy vampires, and they try to latch on hard, and the most dangerous of these are narcissists.
So why is a relationship between an Empath and Narcissist a match made in hell and how do they form? A narcissist is by definition an individual who has a mental health condition where people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. As with everything, there are varying degrees of narcissism, the most dangerous type being the covert narcissist, this is who/what my former life partner the leprechaun was.
Since an Empath absorbs energy, he/she is naturally drawn to the narcissist who love bombs his/her prey. This they do by providing an over the top amount of affection, flattery, gifts, and praise of all types. This they do early on in the relationship to establish power and control over their prey. An example of the leprechaun going way over the top is when, she told me that she would kill her own children for me if I asked her to. I was pretty messed up when I met the leprechaun, and to some fair extent I gobbled up her love bomb, but I put the brakes on hard when she said that nonsense, when I questioned her about it, she gas lit me and said that she never said that.
The narcissistic abuse began after I called her out on that shit, it was a years long process of devaluation. It was never a thing you could put your finger on and say, right, fuck this I have had enough because the behaviours were very inconsistent, but at all times it was invalidating, dehumanizing, and very chaotic. And as the years passed, anger and resentment built until they became unmaintainable and in July of 2017 I went Super Nova. I was simply done with her, it is uncommon for an Empath to be a Narcissist, however that does not mean that we can not fight like one. I turned on her like a rabid dog and kept her in a continuous state of chaos for six months, before she could take no more and she broke and she ran. I spent those months laughing at her, because it was funnier than hell watching her dance like hell trying desperately to reassert power and control, the narcissist until the end.
Having to fight like a narcissist, I was forced to power down and repress the Empath in me, that was unpleasant and something I hope I WILL NEVER HAVE TO DO AGAIN. Allowing the Empath in me to resurface took time, and during that time, for the first time, I actually learned that I was one. During these three and and a half decades since my father threw me into that basement wall, turning me into an Empath, I had no idea that I was one. I had no idea that such a type of person existed. I had thought that all the strangeness of my differing reactions to crowds was about me, some type of social anxiety or social awkwardness, as it turns out, nope none of that. I just get a bit tired because you people are so peopley, and cannot keep yourselves to yourself.