April 7, 2023
I was on my way out of Toronto, an Alberta Clipper was dumping 30cm of snow on south/central Ontario. I had spent most of that day at my coffee shop chatting with whoever was there, and I had felt all fucked up, really disconnected from myself. My load out to Newfoundland was finally ready after 1700 hrs, it had started snowing around 1500, and the city streets were strangely deserted for that time of day. Arriving at our terminal, I was grateful to find the yard plow guy hard at work, and when I asked him to plow in front of the docks where my trailer was waiting for me, he did and I got under the thing without issue. I had three deliveries on it, plus one pick up in Trois Rivieres, Qc that was delivering at the same place as my last delivery in St Johns, but first I needed to stop in Ottawa, then Sherbrooke, Qc.
I ended up going to bed at the old 10 Acres Truck Stop in Bellville On, deciding to wait out the storm.
I eventually got to Ottawa at about 11:00 the following day. the place was a discount furniture place and was the complete cluster fuck that I had feared it would be. I had been to this place many times before and it had one dock, and that was on a severe down grade slope towards the building, so that whoever was in the dock was stuck on the grade when trying to pull out of the dock. Whoever had plowed the dock driveway had done a really shit job and had not salted or sanded. By the time that a bunch of trucks had hit the dock, the now compressed snow was pure ice. There had been four trucks in front of me, and I finally hit the dock after 17:00, and the fucking furniture people went home at 17:00, so I spent an uncomfortably tilted night in their dock.
Even though I had slept reasonably well the night before, I still felt very disconnected from myself, and had just about jumped out of my skin when or if anyone had spoke to me that day. Not only that though, whatever I was thinking about in my head seemed clear and precise, but if I tried to vocalize it, it came out all discombobulated. This state of being was really nothing new to me, however it had never seemed this severe. I had first noted it in grade 10, and had put it down to being physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. There had been times when friends had walked up to me and had tapped me on the back and I had literally jumped through the roof, on other occasions, with people that I did not like, my response had been far more aggressive than necessary. The simple truth there was, I was in pure survival mode. But what was happening to me now was different, it felt far more chaotic.
By mid afternoon the next day, I’m clear of Quebec and well on my way to the ferry terminal at North Sydney, Nova Scotia, and once there I get signed in and settled down to wait the 8 or so hours for the morning sailing.
So there I am at the ferry terminal, all warm and cozy cooking my dinner. I had picked up a rotisserie chicken, removed the meat off the carcass, made some rice and vegetables, and had made up a yummy stir fry. Just as I’m about to tuck into it, Knock!, Knock!, Knock! on my drivers door. Being disturbed at the ferry terminal was rare, and it usually involved some type of domestic dispute, husbands and wives, or children misbehaving, and in one case, two hot shot drivers hauling RVs, fighting over their places in line, the dummies.
Flinching internally a little with each bang on my door, I part the driver side curtain to be met with a security guard standing on my top step shinning his flashlight in at me. As I let the driver’s side window down, I’m met with a blast of miserably cold wet air, that was full of mist, foggy rain, and something that looked like sleet, and, the security guard asking and I quote, “Who are you and what are you doing here?”. I looked at him unabashedly incredulously, and was entirely unable to keep the are you a complete fucking idiot tone out of my voice and look off of my face as I answered him, “my name’s Chris, and I am waiting for the morning ferry, and why are you questioning me?” Weather wellness check apparently. I really do not think it was that at all. I have seen the weather there a lot worse, and nothing of the sort took place, I think the guy was just bored and stupid.
Some 14 hours later, I’m crawling into Grand Falls, Newfoundland, this Canadian province is one of the foggiest places on earth. It’s proximity to the warmer waters of the Gulf of St Laurence carrying relatively warmer water from the interior of North America,
the Gulf Stream carrying warm water north from the tropics,
and, the Greenland current carrying arctic cold water south.
This can set up fog conditions that are so dense that it’s impossible to see objects 10 metres away, and such conditions can last for days on end. The weather this trip had been pretty rough, but it was not the primary reason that I was in crises as I rolled into town.
There on the shoulder of the Trans Canada Highway, in zero visibility, I was stopped, my foot hard on the brakes, here I reached 100% saturation. I was shivering uncontrollably, tears were streaming down my face, yet I felt as emotionless as your average stone. In those moments I could not have told you who, what, or why those tears were for. The Nanny had gotten married the previous summer, and it had taken something like 12 days for the grief and shock of that to work through me. And I had had a major breakdown because of that, those tears had been for her, and a great deal of fear for her because of what that bastard mother fucker she married was going to do to her. Those tears too had been for me, and what I had lost, all of that made sense to me, what the fuck was happening in Grand Falls did not make sense.
At that time, I had no concept of the Grail. I had no idea of how our life’s journey is influenced by our celestial needs. At the time all I knew was that I was miserable living in Toronto, and I wanted out of there. I had looked at properties in the Yukon, northern BC, Calgary, had thought about the maritimes, perhaps even homesteading in Newfoundland, which in retrospect it’s a good thing I did not. All of those places would have been fine, but none of them would have served my celestial needs properly. In those places I would have received only limited pieces of the puzzle, which would likely have caused out of necessity, further incarnations in this realm. Most of what I have seen here makes me sick, as celestial beings we are better than what is here.
What was happening to me was my celestial self was crying out for healing, and nudging me hard to enter the next phase of my Grail journey. I knew that I was walking into it from a position of weakness, and for many years I never understood how necessary that was. When I look at the events of the last 30 or so years, on a human level it all seems very unfortunate and unfair, and without doubt it is and has been. Rightfully so we ask why must we suffer? The standard human responses are, God so wills it, or, bad things happen to good people. Yup bad things do happen to good people, but why? I do not mean to sound sexist here, but think on this for a moment, women have difficulty turning a two dimensional image into three dimensional reality, an example is map reading. Many people have difficulty with math, what math does, besides being difficult, is it rewires our brains to think in forms different from our normal four dimensions, and enables us to think in terms of multi dimensions, from the micro to the macro. Bad things happening to good people is similar, we learn by example. An engineer can design all the do-dads and gimbits he/she wants, but until or unless they are shown physically how those gimbits fit together, the do-dad is useless.
Fear not where you are right now because you are precisely where you are meant to be. You are educating your celestial self, in doing so, you have no higher purpose. If it hurts, good, that means you are learning. If you feel stuck in place the Universe will provide an irritant to get you moving, and if you are being either stupid or stubborn, know that a Mothman will provide you some impetus to move you along to where you need to be. Do not fear those critters, they are only pan dimensional gatekeepers and influencers. In a soft parallel, in Arthur C Clarke’s trilogy “Rendezvous With Rama”,
the third book I believe the human scientific team is at the Raman node, they are introduced to a creature that has differing physical characteristics of three or more species. This is done so that each individual species can find some comfort in whatever characteristic similarity. It is possible if not likely that our Mothman is put together similarly.
Serving the Grail 