Suspended Belief

February 4, 2020

We left our last article with a discussion about religion, questions about what God was all about; and what amounted to the collapse of my having any kind of belief system. The above image, describes perfectly what my soul felt like, I was dead inside.  It was an awful way to try to live, not having a soul; it enabled a purely evil individual to slither her way in to my life. She was as mean as a snake and 3 times as low. I foolishly believed that I did not deserve anything better, and I allowed her to treat me as my mother had, like shit.

But why not though? It was normal, I had always been neglected, my needs had never been acknowledged, had always been ignored, swept aside as unimportant. Except not always, in my 15th year I would meet who would become the nanny. But she was an aberration, she was 14 when we met, gorgeous, warm, sweet, smart, and everything good. However, she was locked in to her own kind of hell, and was as emotionally repressed as I was, perhaps more so after what the snake would cause to happen to her. I ended up wounding her terribly that year, but I did not know what the snake had done to her. If I had known, the following 10 years would have been very different indeed.

It would be nearly 7 years before I would learn the truth, and that truth would launch my recovery.  It was a very strange period in my life, I had absolutely no respect for adults or anyone in authority, it was very much my way or the highway, if anyone dared question my actions, I would happily piss in their mouth. The snake was pregnant with I had no idea of whose baby, mine or at least a dozen other contenders. I had bought my first home, and unbelievably, the snake’s Achilles heel was sat in my living room drinking my beer, eating my food, when the snake starts bragging on him about what he had done to who would become the nanny. And in addition, just how proud she was at having facilitated the rape, my revulsion was immediate, my hatred of her only grew as I ran for the phone to call 911, as I dialed, the snake was sniveling and pleading with me to not report her or the pedophile.

It was in those exact moments, the phone to my ear with 91 pushed and thoughts racing through my head, not that I cared a wit about snake’s words; that I reached the lowest point of my life. I was 24 years old, how had I allowed this to become my life? How? The decision to divorce the snake was an easy one to make, I had never loved her, I had never even really liked her as a person, and I had most certainly never trusted her.  So it begs the question, why the fuck had I ever married her?

I had spent the previous 10 years of my life in suspended animation, no belief systems, no morals, no ethics, no emotion. I had completely suspended belief in myself. Unknowingly and completely unawares, I had placed myself squarely in front of the universe, and its wrecking ball, and said, fine; do your worst, I can handle anything. And that is exactly what it had intended.

Up until that point I had listened to people ask their ministers, priests, or other spiritual advisors, what is my purpose in life? What does God want for me? I did not know the answers to those questions, but I was certain that the answers were not what are expected. Your choice of career, your choice of life partner, whether or not you go to school. The universe does not give a flying fuck about that sort of thing. We are made of stardust, we are star seeds and the universe wants us to act that way, it wants us to be real to ourselves. But this was the lesson that would take 28 years to learn.

From the day that we’re born, perhaps conceived, we enter this realm and begin our Grail journey, from that moment we begin to experience the lesson, it doesn’t matter how benign or harsh the lesson, we are going to live it. In my case, the lesson was harsh from the start, and it was all about ego. Yes EGO, don’t confuse ego with self-concept, conceit, for they are very different things. From my earliest memories as a toddler, right through to adulthood, until my late 40s, I believed that I was the toughest son of a bitch alive, that I could endure anything, that I was unbreakable.  I knew no fear and had no doubt that I would persevere no matter the situation.

 Throughout most of the time, yes I suffered and felt that I was blowing in the wind,  but I knew that I would bulldoze my way through it, the school bullying, the suicides, the divorce, the real body blow came with the loss of the nanny. The next to truly rock my world was an MVA, that left me in chronic agony, and four years later, another MVA that tore me open and left me extremely vulnerable to the narcissistic energy vampire that I had spent the last 15 years of my life with. It was this individual who did more to ruin me than any other before her.

For 20 years, I allowed this energy vampire to suck me dry, and I allowed it because I’d spent 5 years after my divorce alone. The micro bites that the narcissist took were far more bearable than the god-awful chunks that the snake tore from me. From day 1 I had seen the red flags and had felt the warning from my unnamed and not understood open 3rd eye regarding the narcissist, but I felt so alone, so battered, so unable to move beyond the unending, pus filled wound of the nanny, that I settled for someone that everyone had said, run, stay away from her! But even if I had never gotten involved with her, the universe would have presented another way for me, or you, to learn the mandatory lesson. The lesson only stops when you’ve learned it.

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